Looking for Balance

The new year always provides the opportunity to reevaluate the course life is taking me at the present moment. In my personal life, I have never been happier. I love Drew; I love being married, I love our families, I love our friends. And I am very thankful that we are healthy, live in a lovely home, and are financially secure.

Yet even among such happiness, I can't deny the combination of restlessness and frustration I feel at times. More so lately than ever before. Why? I ask myself. A huge breaking point came one Sunday a couple of weeks before Christmas. Out of know where, three-quarters through the church service, I just started crying. And I couldn't stop.

Drew asked me why I was crying, and I couldn't really answer him directly. I reassured him that it wasn't anything to do with him, but I still needed some time to sort it out.

I realized that the tears were just a sign that I was feeling very out of balance. Stressed out and overcommitted, I felt like I was losing myself. I was crying because I was sad and mad. Sad that I felt so lost and angry that I let it happen.

My mini-emotional crisis made me start to think about how my life has changed throughout the last few years. I am now a wife and a doggie-mommy. I have commitments and responsibilities to a whole new family, a church, and a home.

But more than that, there are two more huge differences which on the surface might seem insignificant, but in reality, impact my life more than I thought they would. One is the fact that I am not working anymore. Going to work provided a tremendous sense of stability and routine to my daily life, not to mention a social outlet. It also gave me a reason not to fill my plate with other projects. My primary responsibility was to my job, and so it made it easy to say no to anything else.

Last, but certainly not least, has been the loss of my mother. Although I established my physical independence from her years ago, emotionally, the reassurance she always gave to me was what only a mother could. If I was worried, stressed, unsure, or just plain scared, she was always there to listen and tell me that everything would be alright. She could always bring me back down to earth. I miss that so much. I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that losing a parent orphans you. It doesn't make you forget the other loved ones that are still with you, but it does remind you of your own mortality. And in a way, that brings about a whole new set of stressful and unsettling emotions.

So where to go from here? Often lately, I remind myself of the advice mom used to give me. She'd say, "Just take it one day at a time." There have already been 22 days that have passed in 2008, in the blink of an eye, it feels like. My goal for the remaining 343 will be to keep balance in all the different areas of my life and remember to nurture my spirit, so I never feel lost again.

Thank you for always being there for me, Drew, listening and talking about all this stuff, everything and then some :) You wipe my tears and make me smile. You are my soulmate love. Now and forever.