The Magic of Marriage

Today is Valentine’s Day here in the United States, and while I know some people believe it is a wholly commercialized Hallmark Card holiday, I think it is always a special day to celebrate love. My love, of course, is my husband, Andrew. We met in the summer of 2004, and we got married in October 2007. Even though it has been almost 15 years of marriage, some moments it feels just like yesterday.

Note that I said it feels like yesterday. Major life events that have happened since we walked down the aisle tell me different. So I thought for this blog post, I would reflect on a few of those major milestones and how they have, or haven’t, changed my idea of what marriage is, or at least would be, for me.

DOING A MAJOR HOME REMODEL

In the Spring of 2012, Drew and I embarked on a significant home remodeling project. After much research, we decided that the best solution for us was to temporarily move out of our home while it got torn down to the studs and rebuilt. The new home would be bigger, newer, and more accessible for us both.

They say that nothing can test a marriage like a home remodel project. And in many respects, I would have to agree. Depending on a particular project’s size and price tag, the remodel’s impact on the relationship can be magnified by the details. After all, renovation projects involve three things: money, style preferences, and decision-making (i.e., the final say). And these are the controlled elements. When you factor in things like flakey contractors, bureaucratic municipal permit departments, and over-priced construction materials, well, the project can take on a life of its own.

It was important to both Andrew and myself that we put up some guardrails to help keep our project on track— not only for the process of the project itself— but also to help it not run over us. The two main guardrails we chose were budget and communication. Now, I know communication might sound a little all-encompassing. And in many ways, it was. Communication is and always has been a cornerstone of our relationship. But when it came to the home remodeling project, communication became essential for our project’s successful completion.

At every phase, and for every aspect of the remodel, whether it was how wide the hallway would be or what color we would paint on its walls, we talked about it. If either of us had a question about something or were unclear on some specifics, we would ask. If either of us felt like we weren’t being heard the first time, we repeated ourselves. And when in doubt, we put everything in writing: Word docs, spreadsheets, photo galleries. The website Houzz was getting hot at the time, and we used it a lot to bounce ideas off of each other. You get the idea.

Drew and I had already lived together for five years before we did the remodel. Looking back, I think it was a good amount of time for us to understand and appreciate each other’s living habits and personal aesthetics. Additionally, the main reason for doing the remodel was to make our home more functionally accessible for us. Insightful lessons can be learned about what you need from space by living in one that isn’t providing it.

By the time move-in day arrived, our remodel was on schedule and budget— barely. I wouldn’t say I loved the entire process so much that I’d jump at the chance to do it again. My hesitancy, however, has more to do with feeling overwhelmed at tile shops than anything about Drew or me. If anything, one of the things I love most about our beautiful custom-made abode is knowing that we did it together, right down to the picking out the doorknobs.

HOW WE GOT ALTON

I’m not big into manifesting things. You know, the idea where you think about something long enough— pray, meditate, vision board— pick your verb, that it actually becomes a reality. The closest thing to manifesting that I have experienced in my life involves the story of how our Golden Retriever, Alton, came into our lives.

You can read the full story here, but long story short, we were settled back into our home after the remodel and started thinking about welcoming a new fur-baby into our family. Since owning a Beagle/Retriever Mix years ago, I always wanted to raise a Golden Retriever. Despite their large size, their known temperament of love and loyalty has always appealed to me. I’ve adored every Golden I’ve ever met, and I wanted one of my own.

When the opportunity came for that dream to come true, I almost didn’t want to hope too much. I knew Drew wanted to bring a dog into the family, but I didn’t know if he shared my heartstring for the Goldens. After all, this had to be an all-in decision for us. Anything less would have been unfair to us and the pup. I knew I couldn’t guilt, beg, or pressure Drew into wanting Alton as much as I did.

Having that much self-restraint was a tall order and I didn’t help myself much because I met Alton first. At four weeks old, I went alone to see the pups still available from the litter. Drew couldn’t come with me for that trip. I knew I was subjecting myself to some potential emotional torture even while on the visit. I kept telling myself if Alton was meant to be ours, it would happen. Refer back to that whole manifesting thing.

Whether Drew could tell that I was wearing my heart on my sleeve or not, we both knew he had to meet Alton himself to decide if he should become a member of our family. Looking back, I realize maybe he was relying on his gut as much as I was, just in a different way. Even to this day, while I might sound disingenuous to say this, at that moment, I didn’t know if Alton would be ours, not until I saw Drew holding him in his arms and saying, “Yes, we can have him.”

Alton will be nine years old this fall. Raising him was and continues to be a full-time job that requires a total commitment on both of our parts. We both proudly embrace the title of fur-parent, having no desire to be kid-parents. When we got together of course we talked about not wanting kids. But it was never something that was an issue of contention. It was just another way that showed me that we were meant for each other. We pour any amount of maternal or paternal instinct that we do have into our 90 pound fur ball who is so spoiled I think some days believes he’s more human than canine anyway.

MY DAD DYING

As planned and intentional as building a home or getting a pet can be, there are significant milestones in a marriage for which you can never prepare. Losing a parent unexpectedly definitely falls into that category. 

Fortunately, or unfortunately, as the case may be, Drew and I got a test run at how losing a parent would impact our relationship when my mom died of a heart attack the year before we got married.

Grief, of course, is a weird and complicated thing. Everyone deals with it differently. And that includes those who didn’t lose their immediate family member, because it often triggers one’s own sense of mortality. But Drew never let his feelings upstage what I was going through. However, I know that he lost my dad too, and I was thankful for their special relationship.

Dad has been gone for almost three years now, mom for nearly 16. I quickly came to understand and accept that grief has its own timeline. There are some days that it just feels I just lost them. A memory or an emotion will resurface that will make me sad, missing them, and Drew will help comfort me however I need it— listening, sharing, or a simple hug.

I like to think I’ve been just as good of a partner to Drew during times of loss in his life. Thankfully, his parents are still with us, but we’ve said goodbye to his Grandma and his best friend, Mark.

In these hard, sad times, I think you really get to find out the true strength and resolve of your marriage. It’s easy to oversimplify grief sometimes. But what I’m trying to convey about grief and loss as it pertains to marriage, transcends good or bad, easy or hard, weak or strong.

Death and all it entails, has a way of stripping away any pretense of convenience or predictability. Mental health and emotional well-being have to become the top priority of the moment for recovery and healing to occur. The fall-out of everything else not dealt with, and that includes other people and their emotions as well, can make a marriage that is not well-tended an unintended casualty of the original loss.

I’m forever grateful that when Drew and I have experienced loss in our lives, we have had the love, caring, trust and communication to get through it without becoming a casualty.

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When I was young, I never dreamed of being married. I never imagined the feeling of sharing my life with another person. I didn’t think about it at all. I just lived life, one year at a time. That isn’t to say I didn’t have thoughts and opinions on how marriage should be. After all, I had seen enough marriages, my parent’s marriage included, disasteroulsy end. In short, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want.

Having gone from the outside looking in, to now being many years into marriage, the thing that I have learned the most is for everything you think you can control, the magic of marriage is in everything you can’t. There has been some element of the unknown in the milestone moments that I described above as well as dozens of others we have experienced over the years.

The closest analogy I can think of to illustrate this feeling is how an acrobat lets go of one trapeze rung before they have a hold of the next. You just have to trust that the next rung will be there for you to grab on to. Sure, that can be scary at first. A lot of faith and trust is required. But what I realized early on is that if I had the courage and faith in our love to lean into that trust, rather than away from it, that I would never fall.

Happy Valentine’s Day My Love!