Marriage Evolution: When the Honeymoon Phase is Over

Do you know what I wish someone would have told me about marriage? I wish they would have said that marriage is not just a journey, but rather, it is an evolution. It is an evolution of individuality and oneness all at the same time.

It is all so fun when you first meet and fall in love. Life seems boundless with possibilities, and time seems like an eternity of bliss. Everything is so blissful on your "love cloud." And even though you know (because "they" tell you) that it won't last forever, you don't believe them. Blinded by love and enraptured with a palpable passion, life is filled with an emotion that you won't believe can't last forever.

Until it does.

One month into my second year of marriage, I am making these realizations. Of course, the "honeymoon phase" has been over for a while now. But now, I would say that Andrew and I are in a phase of asking ourselves what kind of marriage do we want to have. And I don't mean specific issues like do we want to have kids, careers, place of residence. I think those can be dealbreakers and should all be talked about before walking down the aisle. What I am talking about is how do we conduct ourselves in the marriage. How do we keep the lines of communication open? How do we respect each other's independence and autonomy? How much freedom and autonomy should each person have? These are not questions of who does the dishes or who picks up the laundry. These aren't "doing" issues; they are "being" issues.

This is where the honeymoon ends, and I feel the real relationship begins. You start to ask the hard questions of yourself, and then you raise them with your partner. Sometimes they can cause an argument. Sometimes they can cause disappointment. Sometimes you don't even know what questions to ask; you need to be heard. Whatever the case may be, being married is damn hard work. Intellectually I have known that from Day 1, but emotionally and spiritually, I think it is just now sinking in.

But make no mistake about it, I am in love with Andrew, and I love being married. I knew very early on in our relationship that I wanted to share my life with him. I knew soon after that I wanted to share it for the rest of my life. I know the term "soul mate" can be deemed cliche, but for me, in the context that I believe God brought us together, it is not. For that reason, even though I know I don't have all the answers, I am not scared of our evolution; instead, I am committed to it.